The day my world changed

3/30/2025. A day that will forever live in infamy in my life. The day I lost something very near and dear to my heart. The day I crashed my car. A car that for almost ten years I have been restoring and modifying. A 1981 Toyota Corolla, colloquially known to me and my allies (and now you) as bluesdrivemonster.

This begins the story of my quest to be the Akira Nakai or Magnus Walker of TE72s and to share the journey with others.

Before the crash I never considered if something made of metal and plastic could die. Or if something made of metal and plastic could have a soul. The rational answer is “no”, but based on my recent experiences my new answer would have to be "maybe" if not “yes”. Metaphysics aside, I can now confidently say that crashing a car can be synonymous with corporeal death.

This is the state I found myself in when I was introduced to the tool of loss processing. It was safe to say I felt the loss but I wasn’t sure I was ready or even knew what I meant to give up everything. And I certainly didn’t have infinite energy to give. I felt untethered, unmoored. The object of my passion, my creative outlet, and part of my identity for the past 15 years had been destroyed. I had removed myself from the local car community I was a part of and no longer had access to the freedom that only a car can provide. I wasn’t ready to give any of that up.

Over the next weeks and months and after dealing with police reports and insurance adjusters eventually the car was back in my garage. I was fortunate to have bluesdrivemonster back but now I was constantly confronted with the new state of things. And frankly, my new reality fucking sucked. But in fact this new reality I was living in was the best introduction (and forced acceptance) to Stutz’s Aspects of Reality. Pain, Uncertainty and Constant Work. My car was smashed, which hurt me deeply. There was no guarantee it would ever be put back together. But if there was any way it was ever going to drive again it would only be possible through my blood, sweat, and tears. Pain, uncertainty, and constant work embodied in a crashed 1981 Toyota Corolla. It is with this new understanding I felt I was able to unlock the final part of loss processing, infinite energy. I may only have one life to live, but with that life I can use my energy to build Corollas the best I know how (and I know how to do it damn well).

Filled with this newfound energy and conviction to rebuild what I had lost, I went back into the garage. And it was while rebuilding and listening to a podcast I was introduced to Camus’ ideas on revolting against the absurd thanks to Philosophize This! The absurd is the tension we live in created by our natural desire for meaning and the meaninglessness of the universe. To revolt against the absurd is to acknowledge the universe doesn’t care, but I do. And the simple act of caring is enough to live a happy and fulfilled life.

This is why Camus says one must imagine Sisyphus happy. The universe doesn’t care about my 1981 Toyota Corolla, but I do. Accepting the pain, suffering, and constant work of rebuilding bluesdrivemonser is my act of revolting against the absurd and finding happiness while doing it. Wrenching on Corollas is my boulder (or is it a wheel in my case?) and I’ll gladly roll it to the top of the mountain as long as my hands can hold a wrench.

Ultimately I feel I have a better understanding of how my tragic and absurd experience can define me and how my story can connect me to others. How it helps me understand my identity, and how it helps me integrate painful experiences into the meaningful whole that is my life.

So, in the end, what did I do? I started writing about absurd things on my website The Garage Diaries. And I bought another 1981 Corolla, this one is named juliet. 

And beyond just Corollas I’m continuing to work on other things as well.

• Grave Digger is done (I just need to catch up on storytelling)
• I’m leaning further into 3D printing and manufacturing. Maybe you've noticed on my shop.
• I bought a tractor. But that's a story for another post.
• Constant work on my daily drivers
• And last but not least, I’ve got all the sheet metal I need to begin fixing bluesdrivemonser.

We’ve all got one life. This is how I want to spend mine. Maybe you want to follow along and maybe I’ll inspire you to find your own boulder. Either way, you know where to find me…in the garage.